{Anthrodynia} I Call The Beast And The Beast Calls Me

I got a notice that Flickr was being sold to some other company and it reminded me that I haven't used it since at least 2012 (maybe). So, I logged in to download everything and delete the account and was just smashed in the face with all these memories (good and bad), along with a realization that there are huge blackholes in my memory bank still. Lot of pictures of stuff that you could tell me were PS'd and I'd believe you because there's no memory of it every happening to me.

The main thing I discovered/remembered/whatever was that Big Black and Widowmaker are 10 years old now. They were also super tiny, timid mini horses when we got them!

The other thing was the THOUSANDS of pictures I have of Toki, particularly from that first year together. I was not in a good place when I adopted him, but when he looked at me from the cage at the adoption event, he melted my resolve to never have another animal in my life again. He still gives me that look, 7-8 years later, by the way. And I still cave. He was the first and only dog I've ever had in my care that had kennel cough, and that freaked me out so much to hear that noise come out of his tiny body. He grew fast, too. It didn't take him long to start crowding me out of my "gaming" chair (I would end up on the ottoman because he would worm his way behind me and kick me out of the chair).

I don't have as many pictures of Arya, and that's something that hasn't changed. She just refuses to hold still and pose, whereas Toki is a complete ham for the camera. I just love how Toki acts like he's still angry at me for bringing her home with us, but then has a strong bond with her when he thinks I'm not paying attention. She didn't give him a choice but to love her, just like he did to me.

Along with all the Toki and Arya puppy pictures were the dogs that came before them. That hurt to see. I've never dealt well with the death of animals because they're all I've ever really had. I didn't have friends growing up. I had dogs and rabbits and horses and birds and cats. I even made myself a worm farm when I was 5-6 so I could take care of them. Other than my grandparents, animals were the only things there for me. I wish I had more time wi