{Fata Organa} The Downside of My Disabilities

As some of you know, having a traumatic brain injury is exhausting. Literally and figuratively. In an ideal world, where I didn’t need to have a Day Job, being able to work on art and taking care of animals all day would have me generating content for you on the regular - much like I did when I originally started this. Doing art of any kind doesn’t put me in cognitive fatigue, and that’s the state that kills my strength and stamina levels. 

The work itself at the Day Job isn’t really what stresses my brain out (as long as I’m not being told every other week I’m doing it wrong by the same person who trained me to do it the way I had been). It’s mostly data entry and it’s for helping people in my county get the assistance they may need during difficult times. I think about how I came to this office for help making sure I could still get the medications I need for my disabilities, and how nice and helpful the person who helped me here was. That’s what I wanted to do, in the small way that I could. 

Unfortunately, I didn’t take into consideration that I would have to work around other people after a year of just making art with my dogs and the birds. And there’s always one person in an office setting that rubs you the wrong way, no matter what. That person just drains me because I can’t get away from them, can’t block out their constant talking (seriously, they never shut up and they know everything about everything). Every night, I go home, maybe eat dinner, make sure the birds get put up for the night, and then I go to bed by 7pm. I end up trying to cram a week’s worth of class work into the weekend, and personal art during 15 minute breaks at work. 

I tell myself that I need this Day Job to take care of the birds. I need this Day Job to get my house built. I need this Day Job to take care of myself. 

Let me tell y’all, some days it’s more difficult than others to remember these things. Working for the government is the same no matter what level of government you’re working at, and I really should have known that and kept looking for a job. 

The people I work with (with that one exception) are great. It’s just the noise of an open office and the noise of a sexist, homophobic, racist that thinks they know everything that drains me. 

Last night was the first night I got home and had enough energy to add more to my sculpting class project that was technically done 2 weeks ago. I got so wrapped up in working on it that it was dark and the birds put themselves up before I knew it. I felt great about it. And then I realized I’d have to go back to the Day Job the next day. It was depressing. It still is depressing. 

Since accepting this Day Job last year, I’ve noticed that I went from being depressed about being unemployed to being depressed I work in the government again, and that I’m making enough to live paycheck to paycheck. Not much saving for getting my house built is being done. 

This is a long way to say that, with all this and the new charging changes Patreon is going to be making, I might have to tap out on Patreon permanently this time. I wanted to thank everyone for their support there. I never took it for granted that people out there helped me when they didn’t have to.