{Fata Organa} Depression Is A Helluva Thing

This week has been difficult. Toki is fine and finally got back to acting like his grumpy pumpkin self, and even started using his new bed and acknowledging me again!

He even hillbilly DIY'd it into an incline bed! My dog is more handy than I am.

The things that have been kicking me in my chipmunk cheeked face are the job issue and Mina dying. Mina was special to me because she was Sparta's daughter and I didn't think I'd ever be able to get offspring from Sparta due to her small size and the large size of the roosters. Mina was a surprise and a delight since she was a good combination of Sparta and Ronan. I just get very attached to animals, and I get very attached to these birds that I incubate and hatch and raise. It's also difficult when I'm the only one who cares and the people around me act like I shouldn't be upset that a chicken died. They don't understand and they don't even try. Kind of like what it's like to be living with TBI and widespread nerve damage. Kind of like my entire life. I wasn't important enough to spend time on or get to know or even have empathy/compassion for.

The disabilities have been difficult to live with lately, too. Some days, I feel like I've come to grips and accepted that I'm not the same person I was before the car wreck, that this is both a good thing and not such a good thing. Other days, I'm reminded of everything I was doing/able to do before the car wreck and I feel like I just want to go to sleep forever so I don't have to deal with anything. I hate that I no longer have a job, I can no longer write well, I can't go to conventions anymore, I can't live on my own, and that I'm kind of hopeless right now.

This depression is so weird compared to the depression I've had my entire life until the car wreck. It was always followed by mania, but the depression itself feels different. Before, it was super destructive and suicidal. Now, it just feels like I'm Artax slowing sinking in the Swamps of Sadness. It feels like I'm drowning in molasses. Instead of cutting myself or taking a bunch of pills, I find something that I can sink into like marathoning a TV show on Netflix or playing video games. Anything to block out everything else. It's really affected my classwork this week (ie. I haven't done any of it).

The job deal has been a real downer and the class I'm in this semester and that's required for me to graduate has been making it worse. It's all about getting ready for a career in the field you're getting your degree in. To be honesty, when I went back to college to finish my BA, I hadn't really planned on using it. I figured I'd stay working for the state until I had enough time in to retire (or could buy time). I just wanted to finish my degree because that's the one thing besides Toki and Arya I felt bad about leaving behind/unfinished if I had died in that car. This class and being harassed out of my job and having potential employers turn me down because I'm disabled, though? It's sucking any confidence I had right out of me. I mean, if actually experiencing trying to find a job as a disabled person hadn't already made me realize how much more difficult it is, this class certainly drove the message home that people with disabilities are even a consideration in the job market.

I need a job, not just because I don't want to use my retirement savings for my bills until it's gone, but because I need my own space. I know I can't go far from my family because there are times when even they can't deny I need help. I just can't live in the same house with them anymore. They're making the depression worse with how they treat me. I'm either a complete idiot to them because of my disabilities or because I'm just useless to them. the only thing that changed after the car wreck and becoming disabled was them being able to use my disabilities as a way to degrade me. My entire life up to the car wreck, they always treated me like I was worthless and stupid and a burden. Disabilities have made that worse.

It would be nice if I wasn't dealing with everything by myself. I'm not big on social interaction anymore, but having at least one person on my side would help. There's only so much I can expect the dogs and birds to help me cope with.